Mandatory Server Donations

I'M POOR!!!
YOU'RE ALL EATING ME OUT OF HOUSE AND HOME!!!  XD

With the server fees for both Big Sister and Little Brother totaling to about 1/100000000th of what I earn each year, I'm basically out on the street and eating leftover cat food or dog food just to substitute.  And it's not even GOOD cat or dog food... it's some crappy cheapo brand full of wheat... I mean who in the HELL thought feeding carnivores some kibble full of wheat, other grains and starchy vegetables was a good idea?!  Especially since they lack the means to probably digest this stuff?!! XD

And GAWD, I'm so poor now, I make silly tangents about pet food!  Everyone should BOW THEIR HEADS IN SHAME for making me stoop this low!  Come on!  Each and every one of you!  Bow your heads in shame!  Yep!  Yes, you!  The person reading this very serious April Fools Day blog post!  Get off the screen, get on the floor, and grovel for forgiveness!  I'll wait till you're done,so I can stand up, strike a haughty pose, and pardon you condescendingly for the CRIME of making me run a Minecraft server.  XD

Luckily, I've come up with a solution that will benefit no one but me!! :D

I will henceforth require ALL players -- including inactive players and failed applicants -- to make mandatory donations in order to keep this smelly old server alive!  My only job here is to relax, sit back, and let everyone run the server for me, so why should "I" have to PAY to do all this work?!! It's time to get all you little misers and lazy bums to pony up!  >v<

But don't worry... I am a merciful person, and I always make sure to provide tiered unfair advantages "benefits" to make it worth your while to donate more and possibly help me turn a profit... even though none of these unfair advantages "benefits" cost me a single penny, and I'm sure I might be breaking the Minecraft EULA, but whatevs!  Here they are from lowest tier to highest (priced in USD):

• Donate $1 = a slap upside the head from Cia, you CHEAPSKATE!!
• Donate $5 = the option to live another day,... for now...
• Donate $10 = a nice big pat on the back
• Donate $20 = a slightly bigger pat on the back
• Donate $50 = a nice big pat on the front!
• Donate $100 = the joy and satisfaction of being somewhat tolerated!
• Donate $1000 = an in-game charcoal [yummy]
• Donate $10,000 = an in-game wooden sword [unenchanted]
• Donate $100,000 = an in-game diamond... hoe
• Donate $1,000,000 = an in-game puppy [look at its kewt wittle eyes!]
• Donate $10,000,000 = access to the /afk command [such fun!!]
• Donate Your House = your name on some obscure commemorative plaque somewhere
• Donate Your Unborn Child = a cool kit containing 500 Cheese, an apple, and an iron helmet
• Ask Cia a Food Question = automatic staff position
• The Knowledge That Some People Are Going to Take This Post Seriously = Priceless. ^^

Please note that these unfair advantages "benefits" aren't cumulative, so if, for example, you want the puppy and the commemorative plaque, you must sell us your home and give us $1,000,000. It's only fair after all.  ^^